Andy Millman and Darren Lamb: The First Meeting
by CakeOrDeath620
Summary: My envisioning of what the first meeting would have been like between the two.


_(Darren Lamb, the agent, is sitting in his chair at his desk. He is playing with his glasses- he is making so that the glare is reflecting off of his glasses into his eyes. Every time he is able to get the glare to reach his eyes he giggles a little, despite the obvious physical discomfort. A knock is heard on the door.)_

Darren: Come in!

_(In walks Andy Millman. This is their first encounter.)_

Andy: Hi, I'm Andy Millman.

Darren: (_Gets up without putting on his glasses and stretches out his hand.) _Andy! Just the man I wanted to see! (_They shake hands.) _Man of the hour. (mutters) _Mill_-man. (_Pause_)

Andy: (_awkwardly) _May I sit down?

Darren: Oh, yes, yes, yes. (_Sits down himself. Puts on his glasses. Looks around the room.)_

_(Andy looks around the room, too, but finds nothing. He then half-smiles at Darren, in an attempt to bring his new agent back to focus. Darren sees this, and misinterprets this as dissatisfaction.)_

Darren: (_Defensively_) I'm sorry?

Andy: What- noth-

Darren: Are you dissatisfied?

Andy: Wha- no-

Darren: Look, I'm sorry this isn't some, you know, big, fancy office. We've all got to get by. And you yourself aren't much of a catch either.

Andy: (_Slightly annoyed_) Oh, I-

Darren: If you don't want to work this out, then you know. (_Motions his head to the door.) _You know, go and get out.

_(Andy squints at him as the conversation has taken a confusing turn.)_

Darren: Well, I mean. Consider leaving before you do. You need the money and I need the money. But if you're going to try any more of that. (_Shakes his head.)_ Clear?

Andy: (_uncertainly_) Sure.

Darren: Right. Well, Mr. Millman.

Andy: Andy is fine.

Darren: What? Do you not like Millman?

Andy: No, I just thought since you're going to be my agent-

Darren: (_Agreeably_) It is a silly name.

Andy: (_Defensively_) Ah- It is not a silly name.

Darren: Oh yeah. Millman. Miller sounds more generic. More American. That could help land parts.

Andy: (_Stubbornly_) I'm not changing my name.

Darren: Well, you could consider it. To land parts.

Andy: I'm not changing my name. I like my name and I am not changing it. (_Darren shrugs.) _And who are you to be talking? Your name is-

Darren: Darren. Darren Lamb.

Andy: Right, your last name is a defensive little farm animal.

Darren: Not really. You know they sleep with lions, do you?

Andy: Wha- (_smirks as he understands what Darren is trying to say) _No, that's just a story.

Darren: Oh, no, I heard from some blokes who like to visit me every once and a while. They're always walking down my street, and they're always carrying a book. But every time I've seen them, they tell me, "You know, this lamb. He slept with this lion once." So really, I am a cute and cuddly creature but- impenetrable- because the lion could eat me. But because- it won't- (_he struggles to find words) _well, you understand.

_(Andy just stares. Darren is put off by his nonchalance. He tries to break the silence lightheartedly.)_

Darren: Or it just means I'm good in bed. (_Smiles and laughs._)

Andy: (_Pause_) Are we through? Because I think this meeting has been very informational-

Darren: What? Are you leaving? No, no, no, don't go. You're right. No more chit chat. We need to talk about business.

_(Andy is unconvinced but doesn't leave.)_

Andy: Thank you.

Darren: Right, so I read your bio, profile, whatever, and are you sure you're fine with this? I mean, it seems to me that your job was quite steady beforehand.

Andy: No, I am ready for this. Acting is my dream.

Darren: Alright! (_Pause_) You do realize that it might be a tad difficult to get-

Andy: What?

Darren: (_Shrugs and stutters a bit) _Sub-substantial parts. I mean, you're a bloke in your forties-

Andy: Forty-three.

Darren: Right, forties, and you're sort of pug-nosed, and pudgy, and I don't know if there's a great demand for forty-year-old, pug-nosed, squalid men in the entertainment industry.

Andy: Right! I'm done!

Darren: No, hey! You didn't let me finish. What I was going to say is that you could probably find a lot of extra work.

Andy: (_Waves his hands in the air) _Why would I want to do extra work?

Darren: The pay. It's easy to get. And you could potentially meet celebrities, chat them up, see if you could get ahead through some connections.

Andy: Do you think that'll work?

Darren: Oh sure.

Andy: That's probably the most credible thing you've said in our entire conversation.

Darren: (_Shrugs) _I try.

Andy: (_Clears throat_) Well, when anything comes in-

Darren: Yep! I'll give you a ring.

Andy: Alright. (_He and Darren get up.) _Thanks. _Leaves._

Darren: Cheers. (_Sits._ _Turns to computer._ _Starts to type.) _Lion sleeping with lamb… (_He clicks. His eyes widen.) _Oh… cheeky… (_Angrily_) Aw, no! Ughh. Should've installed that anti-spy software.

END

I am not any way, shape, or form connected to the BBC, Extras, or the brilliance of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.


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